Sunday, November 1, 2009

My Southbound Train..

Tonight was Halloween, till it hit midnight.. And it has been an adventure. From dressing up as a Jo-Bro, playing games and going on crazy tours, to adventuring tunnels etc... its been a crazy night..

I came home to my ipod shuffling to the song "southbound train" by Jon Foreman. It was interesting, because it wasn't quite what i was feeling tonight but yet completely surrounded what I've been feeling for the last week or so..

Fragile life, moving, shaping, and escaping us.. one day at a time.

I'm a college kid now, a freshman at APU. surrounded by a ratio of women that is 3:1 at the least, and given opportunities in the realm of study and music that most of the world will never have the chance to do. I am so thankful and so fortunate... yet I remember the days... The days when life was simple. The days when I could just love and be loved, when innocence was an expected attribute, when life in its simplicity was beautiful.

I want innocence. To see the light in all situations, to be a light. I'm tired of being forced to build walls.. im tired, of swagger, and egos, and shallow days. I want to go deeper. It's funny to me how some of my deepest moments in life have been when my life was the LEAST complicated, instead of busy doing everything. Simple days of childhood. Loving to be loved, games and toys, playing in the sun. Acceptance and satisfaction in being alive.

Why must I grow into a judging, foolish, hypocritical, "mature" being? Shouldn't I grow in my innocence and have it combat all the foolishness...yet all around me I see the opposite. No one wants to be the odd man out, the inexperienced, the exception. Is average really that interesting? Is wanting something bigger such a bad thing?

I'm NOT a stupid college kid.

I have potential, i have purpose. And so do you..who ever you are. I don't have to get drunk and out of control, I don't have to be addicted to pornography like many, many college guys today. I don't have to treat girls like pieces of meat. I don't have to be a tool for this world, another object that it can use to promote it's self-propelled selfishness. I don't need to be cool. I don't need to fit in. Cuzz how does that make ANY sense? To fit in.. blend.. and die? If I'm part of a grand tapestry I want to be a bright thread, shining as the sun's beams grace it, declaring the glory of life. Singing out the beauty of individuality and selflessness. I want to be real.

Where will I be in 4 years? God only knows, and that's the complete truth. Who I am will most likely be completely changed or at least revised and I'll look back on these years as I look on my years of childhood, and of high school. Another rhythm in my southbound train. Another step towards eternity. And wherever that is, I want to find love. I want to feel true love. Not just fun, or fleeting happiness. But love. Through pain, and suffering, i want it to grow. I want to understand people, and I want them to see that i really do care...that they matter to me. I want to get past the illusion that my reputation sets, whatever that reputation is. I just want to be recognized for the man that is John Robert Stratton. Nothing less, nothing more.

And in the end aren't we all very similar? Lonely people looking for a place to call home. Longing for acceptance and purpose... yes we've become very good at hiding that need, and filling our lives with "stuff" to escape it. But who wants stuff? I want life! I want life abundantly. It reminds me of the quote "Every man dies, but not every man lives." To exist is not equivalent to living. Life is an unaffected companion. It will pass us by, as we sit along the road and rest. It will run ahead of ahead into areas of darkness and the unknown. It will surround us and pressure us to admit it's existence, and then it will one day choose to leave us all... for some of us when we least expect it.

We all get one ride, one ride on our southbound train. How will you ride it? How will you hold your companion of life. I will hold mine close to my heart, and I pray you will do the same. I hear the whistle of the southbound train and from that call no man can runaway.

1 comment:

  1. I have a feeling I'm going to love reading your blog. What you just wrote about is something I've been struggling with for years, and oddly enough I seem to be struggling even more now that I've joined this Christian community I have been aching for for so long.