Wednesday, December 23, 2009


its two days till why do I feel so down?
This isn't my usual disposition.
Maybe its because I've disappointed myself. Especially lately.
I guess its true that when you set your sites so high it hurts all the more when you experience a fall...and ya, things pile up.

I feel like I'm on an island that doesn't belong to me...I'm there alone, but it is not mine. I can't claim it. Being home is at college is a huge change from a home of nine children and a mom and dad...and everyone just keeps growin up.

Today i told myself it was a new beginning, and a few hours later i wound up with a 200 and somethin ticket for rollin through a stop one said it was an easy beginning. But I'm not giving up. I've been far to blessed to do that.

And its funny to feelings can get me so down..when alot of times they don't even match up with what I actually believe or want. But they can constrict me...tie my hands and rope. That's honestly how i feel right now. Tied up and useless. But then I realize...that is exactly what God uses...he frees the tied and gives hope to the useless... There are things in my life that I wish i could change, choices made, words said, but the reality is i can't..I have to live with them and hopefully learn from my mistakes.. I can't hold onto my past, and I can't rely on my future..i have to use what I have now..I know that in a few days I won't even remember these emotions, beside this blog.. but as for right now I'm trudging on..and the wheel of life keeps turning..

"you can't love too much one part of it."-JM

You have to embrace the whole ride for what it is.


till next time,


Monday, December 14, 2009

guide me

Tonight i have no answer.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to go about it.
I feel completely helpless.

I always want to be the guy with the solution, the answer to the problem...I like to fix things. I like to be the exception, and the one that gives light to the situation.

It's so hard to be looked at like the thing you hate the most..and tonight that is my reality.
I know some good will come out of this, but right now it just poison that creeps through you slowly till it takes you over.

God help me to see the light in this. Guide me.