Friday, November 13, 2009

learning to let go.

It is 2:39 am and i am wide awake. So many thoughts rushing through my mind... Friendship,
companionship, love, stability, God, purpose.. It's all a blur to me at the moment. To be honest, i don't quite know where I will be in a few months...

At first I thought everything was perfectly planned, stable, and moving. I was focused and had a goal. Well actually, a very big goal, and many small goals surrounding it. I could see the puzzle coming together like clock work but as life does all the time it threw me for a loop..

Money.. such a necessary yet mind-clouding thing. It defines what we can buy, where we can go, what we can do, but it isn't who we are. I must remember that. But it's hard when money might take you away from where you want to be, when stability seems at a loss, and relationships look like they could end pre-mature. Honestly, I don't think of myself as a selfish person, but it intrigues me at how clingy i can be to what money can bring. I want my car, and my way of life, and my classes, and my style. But one good thing that money IS doing right now is teaching me how to let go of it and grow.

I've realized that the art of obtaining and using material things is not an ending point in itself but merely vehicle's to allow one's self to focus more on the actual value in life. True life is not found in what is obtained physically. Sure physical things are enjoyable and important. Things like money and cars and basic needs are ways of sustaining us and helping us survive, BUT only so that we can do what we were meant to do. To live! To grow, encourage, forgive, hope, honor, cherish, love... I DON'T need money to love someone. I don't have to be at a great college to learn. It is all relative.

I don't want to get so wrapped up in the things that are merely vehicles for my life that i forget where I am going. Even if i can't stay at this amazing college, I'm still alive aren't I? Even if i can't pursue relationships that i wish to, my heart is still beating isn't it? I'm willing to let go if I must, but I pray and hope that i can stay here, because the love and acceptance from many here make me feel at home more than high school ever could. Brotherhood...Family...Accountability.. such amazing things.. but I'm willing to give it up, if that's where my Lord leads me.

Do you love me enough to let go?

I do.

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