Maybe I'm Just Tired

Just got back from the gym...I'm super tired. Tomorrow I head for the mountains with the family for six days. It seems like whenever i'm tired things seem to phase me more. My mom always said "go eat some chicken, you'll feel better." And honestly, when i do i do feel better..but lately i've had this sadness i can't quite shake. I've been in this state of mind, about my life, friendships, my relationship with God, His purpose and plan. Its all been running through my mind at a hundred miles an hour tiring me out. I hope this trip to the mountains will give me some answers..

Self-Centered Summer

Hey,

It's been a while hasn't it? I honestly don't know how many people read these...but if you do I apologize. Well since last time life has basically been "summer." Lots of sun, family, old friends, and music, music, music. Its funny how that words takes a different meaning every time I say it. From summers past it meant sitting in my room trying to hit notes i never thought i could playing on my mom's old beat up guitar. Not to many summers ago it meant performing in situations i could of never imagined, finding myself, discovery. Last summer it meant lots of last minute practices and adrenaline filled shows with new friendships and fresh emotions and feelings. This summer it means work. Lots of work, and patience. Its alright though. I had a good friend of mine the other day tell me i was looking a bit self-centered and i agree. It honestly bothers me. I'm kind of tired of worrying about all these new things..such as my "image" "look" "sound" "sex-appeal" Sometimes I wish I could just go write a song and record it on my cheapo mic like back in the day..but at the same time I'm thankful for the growth and people pouring into my life. I just feel like I need something new.. something to grab me..like when music first grabbed me. Something that will take my breath away. I'm leaving soon to go to mammoth with my huge family haha I'm kind of looking forward to a week alone with nature. Nature has a way of bringing me back to myself. I think i'll sit by a river and sing whatever comes to mind. Maybe play with my brothers and sister and be a kid again. I've always been a dork anyway. I hope I never lose that. That feeling when your talking to a really cute girl, thinking she's just realized how truly uncool you are haha how you aren't quite mr. suave but thats ok. Thats who i am, and i like that. =) I'm thinking of taking a trip down to downtown L.A. to hang out with the homeless...I might bring some food to share as well. I honestly need a reality check. Life can be so misleading at times, and I've already learned this life doesn't belong to me. I guess what I am saying is that I need to keep myself ultimately centered on others. Remember the ultimate purpose for all of this. Anyway, this summer is going well, and I'm excited to be jamming with the band. We are practicing once a week now which is great, and we have some cool shows coming up! I'm loving the new songs that I am writing and I'm excited for the music video we just finished shooting. But beyond this self-centered summer, i'm ready to look towards the next chapter. I want to find what's beyond self.

Till next time,

John

Hey,

I am not good.

You are good.

Lately, Its been hard figuring out what the definition "good" really means, and I'm realizing how different mine and Your definitions of good really are. You are never changing yet I can be so two-faced, so double-minded, so manipulative, and so fake. Yet You haven't left me. Thank you. Thanks for a new season, thanks for getting me through my first year of college, and thanks for never leaving or forsaking me. Open my eyes, destroy my pride, break down my walls. I am yours. Soli Deo Gloria.

love your son,

John

redemption

With my fist down at Your feet

I was running out of mysteries

Insecure and incomplete here I am, here I am,

won't you get me?

I've got my hand in redemption's side

Whose scars are bigger than these doubts of mine.

I'll fit all of these monstrosities inside

And I'll come alive.

-switchfoot

tonight is a beautiful night..

a new beginning, and a second chance. To say I am thankful would be an understatement, and to say that i am joyful would only capture a piece of what i'm feeling. Forgiveness is so powerful. It trumps hate any day, because just as hate binds, forgiveness frees. And tonight my soul is free...Praise God. I'm ready for a new dawn and a new day. Redemption is here and tonight...

i'll come alive.

anticipation.

Tomorrow we go in to record one of my latest...called "lose to win."

It's ironic, if you knew the story behind the song, the timing in which this is all taking place...but I can't explain the emotion with any other than anticipation. I am on the brink of so much. And i can't wait to see what enfolds. This could be the start of a new beautiful chapter...but if not, i will still find the beauty in my situation. This Christmas break, has been eye opening and truly refreshing. One thing i've learned...great friends make life so much more worthwhile. It's really about quality not quantity. and thankfully i've found a few keepers =]

Hope your Christmas and new year was great!

till next time,

John

wheel

its two days till christmas..so why do I feel so down?

This isn't my usual disposition.

Maybe its because I've disappointed myself. Especially lately.

I guess its true that when you set your sites so high it hurts all the more when you experience a fall...and ya, things pile up.

I feel like I'm on an island that doesn't belong to me...I'm there alone, but it is not mine. I can't claim it. Being home is different...life at college is a huge change from a home of nine children and a mom and dad...and everyone just keeps growin up.

Today i told myself it was a new beginning, and a few hours later i wound up with a 200 and somethin ticket for rollin through a stop sign...no one said it was an easy beginning. But I'm not giving up. I've been far to blessed to do that.

And its funny to me...how feelings can get me so down..when alot of times they don't even match up with what I actually believe or want. But they can constrict me...tie my hands and feet...like rope. That's honestly how i feel right now. Tied up and useless. But then I realize...that is exactly what God uses...he frees the tied and gives hope to the useless... There are things in my life that I wish i could change, choices made, words said, but the reality is i can't..I have to live with them and hopefully learn from my mistakes.. I can't hold onto my past, and I can't rely on my future..i have to use what I have now..I know that in a few days I won't even remember these emotions, beside this blog.. but as for right now I'm trudging on..and the wheel of life keeps turning..

"you can't love too much one part of it."-JM

You have to embrace the whole ride for what it is.

life.

till next time,

John

guide me

Tonight i have no answer.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to go about it.

I feel completely helpless.

I always want to be the guy with the solution, the answer to the problem...I like to fix things. I like to be the exception, and the one that gives light to the situation.

It's so hard to be looked at like the thing you hate the most..and tonight that is my reality.

I know some good will come out of this, but right now it just hurts...like poison that creeps through you slowly till it takes you over.

God help me to see the light in this. Guide me.